My dreams have been really messed up for the last 8/9 months. This has been making it quite hard for me to get to sleep and stay asleep.
Nearly a year ago, when I found out about my Dad’s brain tumor, my doctor upped my dose of antidepressants. I was struggling with the news. Being told your Dad only has a year to live would hit anyone hard. For the first couple of months it was a whirl of hospital appointments and tests, I was so tired I could have slept anywhere.
But after Christmas there was a decline in his health and we were told he had only 3 months left. This is when my dreams started to be a problem.
The antidepressants I was prescribed have quite a list of side affects. One of those is vivid and strange dreams. Every night I was dreaming of my Dad (and other family members). It was always about him and losing him, in some it felt like I was the only person that cared (obviously this is not true).
After he passed away it got worse. Even though I knew he was gone, he was still alive, but ill in my dreams. They were so vivid that when I awoke I was never quite sure whether what I had just seen in my head was real or not. To some of you, it might not sound bad having him in my head every night, but it was like losing him again every day.
A month after he passed away, I had a mini break down. The lack of sleep and grief caught up with me and I found the smallest things hard. I ended up having to take some time off work to deal with things. Even as I began to deal with my grief better, the dreams still haunted me.
But then, a few nights ago I realized that I hadn’t dream’t about dad as much. I was back to dreaming about “normal” stuff (had a great one about Tom Hiddleson, don’t tell hubby lol).
Dreams to me are the brains way of processing all that has gone on during the last few days. This is why I think that my Dad featured so heavily in mine for a time, my mind was still processing my grief.
Now while I am back to dreaming all sorts of weird and wonderful mumbo jumbo, it doesn’t mean I have forgotten my loss. I think about my Dad all of the time and I don’t think I will ever fully get over losing him. I am just dealing with it better now.
I am very lucky that I have a very supportive husband and some great friends (Emma and Rosann that is you!) who have helped me through this hard time. I cannot put into words what their support has meant to me.
Grief is hard and affects you in ways you wouldn’t think of. If you are suffering like I was, please go and see your GP so that you get the support you need.
Take care everyone.