Reflection

Tomorrow is my birthday, 36 years I have been here and I hope to be around for many, many more
The fact that the anniversary of my birth is upon me has put me in a very reflective, questioning mood.

Things have been going so well for me over the last few weeks, my life is finally moving towards a good place, even so, I can’t but help think of how things could have been different and how other people have shaped my life (good or bad) over the last year or so.

My sister betrayed me. She lied and let me down in the biggest way. I know she will never apologise for what she has done to me and I will definitely never see the money she took from me again (and that would really come in handy right now, why does everything in the house decide to break at once?), but that never stops me from wondering what posessed her to do the things that she did.

She is carrying on her life as if nothing happened, she has faced no punishment for her crimes, yet I am here hurting and left with questions. If things were that bad in her life that she felt the need to steal from her boss, which ended up with her stealing from me to try and cover it up, why could she not have come to me? I thought we were close, infact I would have probably lent her the money anyway, so why take it?

As well as my unanswered questions, I am left with feelings of abandenment from my parents and some other family members. All they have been worried about is making sure people don’t find out she did. To the point where they told me not to tell any one about it, which was really hard when we were having to tell people we were having to cancel our wedding.

I do not think I will ever be able to understand why they stuck by her and left me by the wayside. Am I that much of a bad person that it is what I deserve? Am I the odd one out because I do things the right way?

All of these things are playing on my mind. Should I forgive and forget? Or just cut them out of my life and move on?

I honestly don’t know how I would react if I saw her, cry, scream, shout, punch or all of the above.

My life with my kids and husband is going well and I am starting to try and move myself along (writing this is part of that). I can now see myself doing things I want and achieving new and great things.

I do not think I am ready to make a definitive decision on whether to carry my life on without my family right now. Time may heal these wounds or it may make them deeper.

Birthdays are always going to be a time to reflect on the past, but from now on I think I am going to use them to look on the future, see all the wonders that are ahead of me and those I love.

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